Biopsy numero uno

Tuesday 1/13 finally comes (finally!). I have a biopsy consultation with a cardiothoracic surgeon at Capital Cardiothoracic Surgeons. I don't know what to expect, but I've made a list of questions related to the tumor.

The surgeon is great - he totally makes me feel at ease. He examines the lumps around my clavicle and sits me down. He tells me that it is for sure malignant and the biopsy would tell me what is. He explains that this mass could be a couple of different things, such as thymoma (thymus gland tumor) or a thyroid thing.  It has probably been growing for a year and has diminished my left lung capacity to 1/3. He says it is serious and that I need to tell my parents because it's cancer. However, he advises that I hold off until we get more answers from the biopsy.  The biopsy gets scheduled for the very next morning.  I pulled out my list of questions at Damien's prompting and the questions seem so insignificant.  Can I still drink coffee? Yes. In fact, he says caffeine from coffee and teas could open up the airway just a tiny bit.  Can I go to NYC for my cousin's wedding in 2 weeks? No, no traveling.  Is it treatable? Yes, technically all cancer is treatable.  Is the mass in the lung? No, it's in the chest cavity that houses your lungs and other things.

I leave the doctor's office and Damien and I sit in the car for a bit.  Strangely enough, I feel a bit relieved to learn it's NOT in my lung.  Nonetheless, I'm devastated to hear that it's cancer from a doctor who said it to my face.  Damien's dad had prepared us for this so the news was not surprising, but to hear it said to you in person is something else.  I call Peggy and Kevin in the car with Damien listening on and break down.  I tell them that it's cancer and that we'll find out more after the biopsy.  They react with a mix of emotions - anger at the first doctor for not finding it earlier, reticence because Phan men can't emote, sadness.  Damien urges me to tell them something positive and the only thing I can think of is "I got better pain meds!". That doesn't have the intended effect of cheering them up.  He tries to explain to them that it's not in my lung which means probably not lung cancer, but it's lost on them.  Their big sister has cancer.

The next morning (Wednesday 1/14), I wake up before the sun, which, if you know me at all, is something I never do and despise.  I pop a vicodin (I turn into House, M.D.) and get ready to go to the hospital for a CT-guided needle biopsy.  It turns out taking one of your first doses of vicodin on an empty stomach is the worst idea. I get nausea and hot flashes on the way to the hospital.  It is literally 36 degrees outside and I've got my coat off and am dripping sweat.  The procedure goes by quick for me because they sedate me.  The only thing you see is a little nick on my chest where they put the needle in.  I sleep off the sedation throughout the rest of the day.

I work from home the rest of the week.  My boss and his management have been so supportive and understanding about this whole ordeal.  My boss keeps telling me my health comes first and to do whatever is needed medically.  I am so so lucky. 

Friday afternoon creeps up and I still haven't heard anything back about the biopsy results.  In the middle of the afternoon, my surgeon calls and tells me they still don't have results, but he will call me Monday with an update.  He tells me to take a deep breath and that we'll make it through this.  Something about the confidence of a cardiothoracic surgeon is totally reassuring to me. 

Over the weekend, Damien and I get engaged!!  We had been talking about marriage for so long and just waiting for a "good" time to get engaged and get married.  We both decide this is the best time of all!  I am ecstatic!  He wants to completely and totally take care of me through this journey as my husband.  I can't even begin to describe how much I love him. The best part is I can be totally selfish now and do a courthouse wedding and plan a bigger celebration when I'm better. 

On Monday 1/19 around noon, my surgeon calls me back as promised.  The diagnosis is Hodgkin's Lymphoma and it's the best diagnosis he could have hoped for me.  Hodgkin's lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphatic system.  The prognosis is very positive and it generally responds well to treatment.  It is a good bad-thing.  It's conflicting but I'm relieved.  It feels like I'm lucking out even though I have cancer.

My parents take it hard and we bawl on the phone for an hour.  Telling my parents was the biggest stress up to that point.  I wasn't sure how my dad was going to take it since he had just had a heart attack 4 months ago. Peggy helped me explain and stepped in and spoke up for me when I didn't have the energy to tell them why it wasn't found earlier.  My sister is like a mind reader and I love her so much.  She has yelled at people for me (she's very effective at yelling, I highly recommend her services) and kept them off my back.

And that's how I found out I had Hodgkin's lymphoma.